The award for best player ever goes to…

Watching Albert Pujols play baseball is like watching your favorite movie. You don’t ever get tired of watching it even though you already know what’s going to happen.

And Monday evening, much like The Dude, Walter and Donny always going bowling, Albert comes through with another game-winning home run.

LBoros says that homer was Al the Pal’s 11th lead-giving dinger.

And just as The Dude’s rug really tied the room together, Albert Pujols really ties the team together. Per LBoros:

On the season, Albert has propped up the team by contributing nearly 500 points of win probability — while the rest of the starting lineup, in the aggregate, has contributed negative 95 points.

I have no idea what that means, but it sure sounds awesome.

Did you ever hear of the St. Louis Nine? That was Albert… and eight other guys.

A little payback

It’s about time, too.

After a three-week losing streak “capped” by such a pitiful effort last week that I couldn’t bring myself to post about it (well, I was drunk, too), Ebby Calvin LaLoosh busted out in a big way, winning 381-275 and pocketing the $10 (woo, woo) that comes with the week’s high score.

The fellas hit pretty well this week, but it was the pitchers who did the heavy lifting. Justin Verlander (68 points) has been nearly unhittable lately, continuing that success in two starts this week. Chad Cordero (32) had his second straight two-save week, breaking the 30-point barrier for the first time. Even Kelvim Escobar (5) finished in the black despite his two losses. Kudos to the following:

• Carlos Beltran: 11-29, 6 R, 8 RBI, BB, SB, 22 TB (40)
• Verlander: 16 IP, 2-0, ER, 12 H, 2 BB, 12 K, CGShO (68)
• Honorable mentions: Ryan Zimmerman (29), Cordero (32)
• Team hitting: .301/.357/.536
• Team pitching: 48 IP, 3-2-3/2.06/0.92, 7.69 K/9

LOOKING AHEAD: Brian Roberts returns to the fold after four weeks of mostly uninspired play from his replacements (Rich Aurilia, Ty Wigginton). Claudio Vargas joins the club as the Replacement-Level Two-Start Pitcher of the Week. Jim Edmonds has added a bay window and curtains to his corner of the bench. Richie Sexson remains there as well, though continuation of his recent warm play may merit consideration.

R.I.P. Craig Heyward 1966-2006

“But Ironhead, aren’t body washes for ladies?”

A good sign

As we all know, Chris Carpenter’s back is bothering him a bit. He’s got what now is being called an inflamed bursa sac. In addition to the whole of Cardinal Nation, we also have this guy pulling for him:

Indeed. But if you need to, Chris, you can take your time. Tony Reyes is probably foaming at the mouth to get another big-club start.

And I must tip my Cardinals hat to churchsigngenerator.com (by way of Cardinals Diaspora and McCovey Chronicles) for the art. I hope to make such pictures a staple in the future.

Scraaaaaape

The post title refers to a barrel, the bottom of which I got this post topic. Seriously, I’m having such a hard time coming up with things to write about. I’m halfway considering blogging the new sneakers I bought.

Anyway, we’ll subtitle this post:

MATH FOR DUMMIES

• David Eckstein is on pace to set career highs in runs (100) and hits (203). He’s currently batting .323 and could hit .291 the rest of the way to still reach .300 for the first time in his career.
• And while we know about his pace to break the single-season HR and RBI records, Albert Pujols is on pace to score 165 runs, which hasn’t been done since Lou Gehrig scored 167 in 1936 and would be good for a tie for seventh all-time.
• Jim Edmonds seems to be fully into his decline phase. His 17-homer pace is five fewer than I baselessly predicted for him back in January. He’s still drawing walks more or less at his usual clip. Time to put the ego aside, Jim, and embrace that No. 2 hole.
• Despite appearances, Juan Encarnacion is on pace for “only” 93 Ks this season. Given that pace, he’d have to increase his walk rate by about 50% for the rest of the season just to match his career K/BB ratio (3.05).
• Aaron Miles is on pace to nearly double his career-best walk total in about 150 fewer at-bats. Who knew?
• Hector Luna has more walks (7) than Encarnacion (6) in about half as many at-bats (sorry, statheads, for using AB sted PA; Yahoo doesn’t show PA).

Well, that’s about all I have time for know. I know all this is pretty much meaningless statistically; I just enjoy fiddling with the calculator. That and the whole writer’s block thing.

“Idol” blather

In honor of tonight’s “American Idol” championship (or whatever it’s called), I’d like to share a little ditty by legendary “new wave band” Dead Kennedys. Despite being written about 25 years ago, it still applies pretty well to the hugely and inexplicably popular TV show of today. Enjoy!

I’m tired of self-respect
I can’t afford a car
I wanna be a prefab superstar
I wanna be a tool, don’t need no soul
Wanna make big money
Playing rock ‘n’ roll

I’ll make my music boring
I’ll play my music slow
I ain’t no artist, I’m a businessman
No ideas of my own
I won’t offend or rock the boat
Just sex and drugs and rock ‘n’; roll

And here we go!
Drool drool drool drool drool drool
My payola!
Drool drool drool drool drool drool
My payola!

You’ll pay 10 bucks to see me
On a 15-foot high stage
Fat-ass bouncers kick the shit
Out of kids who try to dance
If my friends say I’ve lost my guts
I’ll laugh and say “That’s rock ‘n’ roll”

[chorus]
But there’s just one problem…
Is my (radio edit) big enough
Is my brain small enough
For you to make me a star
Give me a toot, I’ll sell you my soul
Pull my strings and I’ll go far

Give me a toot, I’ll sell you my soul
Pull my strings and I’ll go far

And when I’m rich and meet Bob Hope
We’ll shoot some golf and shoot some dope

[chorus]
[guitar solo]
[chorus]

Drool drool drool drool drool drool
My payola!
Drool drool drool drool drool drool
My payola!

– “Pull My Strings,” by the Dead Kennedys

Marq it 8.1, Dude

Jason Marquis’ performance Tuesday lent even more credence to the theory that he needs about 20-25 pitches under his belt to settle down.

His first inning Tuesday went as such: 2B, L9, 3B, 1B, K, F8, with a coupla runs scored. That was followed by three perfect innings. The homer he gave up in the fifth wasn’t that bad of a pitch; just a curveball on the hands that Randy Winn turned around. It was more a fine piece of hitting than it was a bad pitch. Then three more perfect frames, followed by a ninth inning that started to get away from him a bit.

For whatever reason, Marquis really does seem to settle in once he’s past a certain amount of pitches. The obvious solution: Make him get those 20-25 pitches out of the way in the bullpen, before the game starts. That way, we have 18-20 outs worth of Good Jason when it counts.

Scott Rolen: With a three-hit night, Scott Rolen is in the midst of a seven-game hitting streak, going 11-25 (.440) during that time. He’s still sitting on just the one home run since his return from a bout of cholera, but I expect that to change soon. I have no science to back up that assertion other than he’s Scott Rolen and is a big, burly guy who probably beat up nerds like me when he was in high school.

Matt Morris: Good to see you again, MattyMo. It’s also good to be on the receiving end of one of your patented six-run, six-inning outings for a change. Save for his most recent start against Houston and his first two this season, he’s shown ample evidence why Walt Jocketty didn’t go hard after him. Tuesday, his deuce was looking vintage MattyMo at times, but he kept leaving other pitches up and over the plate to get smacked. Hard. Albert Pujols’ home run in the first inning reminded me why I used to call Morris “Chef Boyardee.”

Giant jerks

I guess this post is at least a day late; we’re already one game into the set with the Giants at Your Local Telephone Company Park. But I have kids and also have to work for a living. That’s my excuse, anyway.

As we all know, the Cardinals are visiting the Large Men, a team I’ve developed a healthy, irrational hatred for. Hating a team other than your favorite’s natural rival and the Yankees is a concept that I think most devoted baseball fans can get behind.

As a Cardinals fan, the conventional wisdom is that you’re supposed to hate the Mets. Pond Scum and all that. But I just don’t have it in me to hate the Mets. In fact, I’ve secretly harbored a low-level rooting interest in the Mets for quite some time now, except during the 2000 NLCS, of course. As they say on Letterman, New York is the greatest city in the world. But in NYC, the Mets are second banana to the hated Yankees, and it’s just plain un-American not to pull for an underdog. Unless it’s the Cubs.

Plus, there’s my obsession with the NYC-centric hip-hop of the late 1980s and early ’90s (The Golden Age, as it were), which sparked my appreciation for The Big Apple. Queens-representing A Tribe Called Quest even gave a shout-out or two to the Mets back in the day:

Beeper’s goin’ off like Don Trump gets checks
Keep my bases loaded like the New York Mets

Good stuff.

But the Giants? Dude, I hate the freaking Giants. And Barry Bonds* isn’t even close to being the basis of said hatred. What is? Well, I’m glad you asked:

When catchers attack

Cubs backstop Michael Barrett apparently has taken a page out of Jason Kendall’s playbook and instigated a needless brawl.

If you’ve not heard, here’s the setup: White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski is on third. Flyball to left, Pierzynski tags, play at the plate.

Pierzynski, no doubt foaming at the mouth to not be at the business end of a home-plate collision, goes in hard at home. Safe.

Barrett takes exception and says, according to Pierzynski, “I didn’t have the ball, bitch,” (reading lips during subsequent views of the replay confirms this) and clocks Pierzynski in the jaw. Things go south from there.

Pierzynski said after the game:

“I’m sorry it happened, but at the same time, it was kind of a cheap shot.”

No doubt. Absolutely no need for that kind of bullcrap. Not only was it was a clean play, Pierzynski seemed to get the worse of the collision. And for that he takes a right cross.

At least Barrett acted like he actually had a pair after the game:

“I mean, when you hit another grown man it’s never right, you know.”

If one good thing can come from this, it’s if “I didn’t have the ball, bitch” becomes a national catchphrase, such as “You’re with me, Leather.”

Uh, never mind

Heh.

In my last post, I reported that my Cardinals magnet was gaffled off of the side of my car. Well, as it turns out, it seems some weisenheimer had merely moved it from the left side of the grocery-getter to the right side. I didn’t notice it, though, until about a couple of hours after the post.

I then thought I might try to milk the situation by enlisting the help of a Cubs fan friend to send pictures of the magnet being “held hostage” in various ways. We just can’t get our schedules to jibe, though.

So, forget it. It was a lame idea anyway.