Peace out, dawg

(Tom Gannam/AP)

Way to rise to the occasion, Jason.

In what most certainly will be his last start wearing the Birds on the Bat, Jason Marquis had what has become a typical Jason Marquis outing: 6 earned runs on 5 hits and 3 walks in 2 innings and his 35th home run allowed.

In losing his eighth of his past 10 decisions, his ERA jumped to 6.02. Six earned runs every nine innings, over the course of a full season. And for that, he was paid $5.15 million.

So, how bad was he?

He was SO BAD, that, even with 33 starts, he didn’t reach his first performance incentive: $25,000 for 200 IP. He’ll finish with 194.1 IP, or roughly 17 outs per start.

Just for giggles, let’s break this down further. In 2006, Jason Marquis made:

• $5.15M, or
• $26,500.90 per inning pitched, or
• $8,833.63 per out, or
• $68,666.67 per base on balls, or
• $147,142.86 per home run

See ya next year in Kansas City, pal.

For more Rage Against the Marquis, see:

• Good God (Bellyitcher)
• Twisting the knife (Redbirdbrain)
• Deathwatch, Day 9 (Stan Musial’s Stance)

It’s a miracle

(Tom Gannam/AP)

A miracle that we won, yes, but perhaps even more of a miracle that I still care.

I didn’t get to watch the game from the beginning, but after dinner, picking up the basement, getting the kids bathed, making tomorrow’s lunches, making the night’s snack, reading the bedtime stories, getting the kids to bed, walking the dog and getting myself showered, I was ready to watch some ball… in the bottom of the seventh inning.

I figured I had the perfect plan to break the schneid: Schlafly Oatmeal Stouts in a Cardinals pint glass. All kinds of St. Louis mojo.

The bottom of the seventh had some drama, with Scott Spiezio’s walk and eventual stolen base. And I’ll be damned if Al Hrabosky didn’t call Ronnie Belliard’s strikeout to end the inning. With the count full and Yadier Molina on deck, Hrabosky postulated that Padres pitcher would throw a change or some sort of offspeed pitch. Young could afford to risk a walk with the completely non-dangerous Molina on deck. Sure enough, Young pulled the string and Belliard whiffed.

Not that I wasn’t quietly but intensely cheering (wife and kids all sawing logs at this point) for something good to happen. Once Tha Gangsta of Glove whiffed, I muttered “Damn!” under my breath, then realized that I was actually investing myself in the outcome of the game. I’m sure glad I still care.

But that top of the eighth nearly killed all the positive energy. Seeing a run score on a wild pitch with two hard-fought outs was almost too much, but Tyler Johnson’s heads-up play to tag a sneaking Adrian Gonzalez limited the damage.

On the commercial break, I refilled my pint glass and the team’s mojo at the same time. It was a lucky confluence of events, but eventually Albert Pujols got to the plate, and well, he went Albert Pujols on Cla Meredith’s second pitch. My eyes were fixed intently on the television, but I swear I did not see the ball hit the bat. That’s how hard he hit the ball.

And how about Adam Wainwright? Dude’s Uncle Charlie was on to the fullest, although he admitted in the postgame interviews that he got away with a couple of hammers up in the zone. And to be fair, the plate umpire gave him the high strike more than once. But he got the job done, with an air of confidence that he belonged there in the tightest of tight spots in the ninth.

Finally, that magic number graphic at the official site can be changed.

Uh, guys?

Did you know that you, like, lost again and Houston sorta won? What’s up with that?

I’m showing that the Cardinals’ lead is down to 1.5. How long has that magic number been stuck at five? Six, seven weeks now?

Or is this whole September Swoon thing akin to a cat toying with its prey before finally putting it out of its misery?

Like my friend Jerry Seinfeld says… what is the deal?

Expectations can be the dickens

(David J. Phillip/AP)

Wow. Another walk-off loss. That makes three in four nights. And don’t forget Lance Berkman’s eighth-inning homer Thursday. A virtual walk-off, that.

This season certainly has been interesting. I’ve had to temper my expectations for the team as the season has wore on. As late as this time last week, I expected the team to merely make the playoffs, nothing else. The making of hay is not something I’m counting on.

But after what has transpired the past four games, I’m not sure we’ll even make the playoffs. And what’s worse, I’m not sure I even care.

I mean, they probably will make the playoffs, and of course I will root for them to win. But honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t qualify, and I don’t think I will be upset if they don’t.

Back in 2003, the last time we missed the playoffs, I was quite angry about it. That season-changing five-game set at the Wrigs fostered a deep bitterness in me.

But right now, my overriding emotion with this team is, “Meh.” Geoff Jenkins’ walkoff dinger Wednesday night? Meh. I missed the crux of Thursday’s game, but Craig Biggio’s walkoff fister Friday? Meh. Luke Scott’s walkoff dinger Saturday? Meh.

It’s hard to get excited about a team that is losing so dramatically in the micro sense and plays so inconsistently in the macro.

On the Cy

The race for the Cy Young Award makes this time of year interesting, with each contender’s start magnified. As I type this, our own Chris Carpenter is pitching against the Astros.

Over at Viva El Birdos, LBoros and his counterpart at the AZ Snake Pit, each take a turn touting his team’s leading Cy candidate (Carp for the Cards; Brandon Webb for the D-Bags) using a plethora of statistical evidence to state their cases.

Well, I have what I feel is a pretty good method of determining who’s the better pitcher. Say what you will about “statistics” and “proof”; the measuring stick I use is my fantasy league’s scoring system.

Laugh if you want, but it correctly predicted all of last year’s Cy and MVP winners. So one year’s correctitude means it’s foolproof, right? Both pitchers are tops in the N.L., so let’s look at the numbers (as of Sept. 20):

Carpenter, Chris SP STL: 577
Webb, Brandon, SP, ARI: 567

Wow, that’s closer than I thought it would be. Let’s take a look at the numbers when we toss out points awarded and subtracted for wins and losses:

Carpenter: 457
Webb: 437

Ahhh… that’s a little bit better. So, there you have it, folks. If the season ended today, Carp will have earned his second Cy Young.

(For the record, Johan Santan is far and away destroying his A.L. counterparts. To compare, his decisions-added points total is 696, compared with Carp’s 577. Awesome.)

Al Hrabosky, jinx

Tough break for the Cardinals to lose a well-pitched game 1-0 to the feisty Brewers.

Even tougher for Tyler Johnson, who gave up Geoff Jenkins’ walk-off home run. You can’t blame T.J., though. Blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the Maleficent Magyar.

Johnson had gone 0-2 to Jenkins, who for strike two waved through a particularly nasty-looking slidepiece. It was at this point that Al Hrabosky said something to the effect of “La Russa is gaining more confidence in Tyler.”

Being the eternal optimist that I am, I thought, “I bet T.J.’s gonna hang one to Jenkins now that Hrabosky said that.”

Sure enough, T.J. threw a White Castle (a slider that gets pooped on, in the parlance of our times). Hanged, banged and see you in H-Town.

There’s just one thing, Dude…

Do you have to use so many cuss words?

(hat tip: Paper Boy) 

Same old stories

It’s getting to be the time of year when The Great Northeast Media Hype Machine begins acknowledging the existence of teams outside the New York-Boston sphere.

The past couple of days, the Old Grey Lady herself has published a couple of stories in which the Cardinals feature prominently. (stories may require registration)

The first was a piece, which ran Friday, about noted fantasy baseball expert Ron Shandler, who’s the author of the long-running “Baseball Forecaster” and runs BaseballHQ.

His success at those ventures led to him getting a job with our Cardinals:

Shandler’s reputation caught the attention of Jeff Luhnow, who was appointed vice president for player procurement by the Cardinals after the 2003 season.

“I was an entrepreneur and did two technology companies on the West Coast,” Luhnow said. “And when you start a company, you oftentimes pull together a group of experts that can add a little credibility to your company.”

Shandler’s deal with the Cardinals allowed him to keep working on Baseball HQ and “Forecaster,” which Times reporter Benjamin Hoffman touches on:

A few weeks before the Cardinals acquired (Mark) Mulder in December 2004, a negative report about Mulder appeared in “Baseball Forecaster” with the comment, “Risk-averse drafters might want to spend their money elsewhere.”

Well, Jeff Luhnow, if you’re paying a guy for his advice, why didn’t you follow it?

When the trade was completed, Shandler’s followers questioned the integrity of his report, with some suggesting that he had given Mulder a poor evaluation in an effort to lower his trade value.

Even if those accusations were true, the Cardinals didn’t seem fazed at all by the report and pulled the trigger for Mulder. No wonder Shandler quit:

“After a while it was like, ‘Why am I spinning my wheels here? I don’t know if they’re taking my information into account when making their moves.’ ”

No, they sure didn’t take the advice they were paying you supply. It’s kind of funny; on the TV in the background as I type this post is a “Who’s #1″ program on ESPN2 about “Trade Robberies.” While this trade doesn’t rate on the all-time MLB list, it’s certainly the worst since the Van Slyke-Pena deal, possibly since the Carlton-Wise deal.

But we already knew that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The second article about the Cardinals ran in Sunday’s Times, this time written by the esteemed Murray Chass.

In it, Chass takes a look at the Cardinals recent woes, which we know all about, but which nobody inside the Northeast media orbit seems to know about.

The first few paragraphs compare the fortunes of the Cardinals and the Dodgers, teams that on July 26 were 58-42 and in first place and 47-55 and in last place, respectively. What’s happened since, Murray?

Seven weeks later, after they played their games last Wednesday, the Cardinals still led the N.L. Central, with a 77-68 record, and the Dodgers were in first place in the N.L. West with a 77-68 record.

[snip]

In that seven-week span, the Dodgers had a 30-13 record and the Cardinals went 19-26. The fortunes of the two teams were reflected in eight-game losing streaks. The Dodgers lost their eighth consecutive game July 26, then began an 11-game winning streak in their next game. (They won 17 of 18.) The Cardinals began an eight-game losing streak July 27 and haven’t really recovered.

Chass then plays the “What’s Wrong With the Cardinals?” game, going through the laundry list of stuff we’ve known for weeks: starting pitching, relief pitching, nobody hits but Pujols, etc.

I’m not sure why this story bugs me; it’s not like it’s nothing I don’t know already. Maybe it’s that whole patronizing you’re-not-in-the-Northeast-you’re-not-important attitude that’s implicit in these kinds of stories. It’s like playoff time is the only time of year they can acknowledge the existence teams elsewhere in the United States.

Family issues

Longtime readers of this Web log (all six of you; hi, Mom!) might recall that I freaking hate the Giants. You may not know that I have many relatives who live/once lived in the Bay Area and are Giants fans (and Raiders fans, too, for reasons I do not comprehend). Following is the text of an e-mail I sent to my beloved West Coast family.

From: [redacted]
Subject: battle of the saints
Date: September 16, 2006 1:38:10 AM CDT
To: [redacted]

Dear Family,

I had completely forgotten that San Francisco has a baseball team. You guys have uniforms and everything! How adorable is that?

Fourteen runs. You guys know that St. Louis can’t hit, right? Although, looking at the season ERAs for the relievers who pitched Friday night (5.10, 8.41, 6.75, 9.82) might explain something.

About the only negative thing about that game was that none of your guys got hit after two of ours got drilled. (an inside joke in my family; they think I’m barbaric for advocating retaliation, and I think they are pansies for not.)

Regards,

Jeff

I’m a bad person

I’m bad (sham on) because it gives me great pleasure to see Albert Pujols stomp on what remained of Brad Lidge’s fragile psyche. And career.

You knew something good was going to happen when Lidge hit Scott Spiezio with his first pitch. It’s as if he saw the Big Righthander settle into the on-deck circle and then evacuated the contents of his intestines. Perhaps we can call this Pujols-induced psychosis “Albertophrenia.”

It reminds me of that episode of “The Simpsons” when Moe stole the recipe of a tasty alcoholic beverage (using Krusty-brand Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup) that Homer invented and renamed it The Flaming Moe:

Homer: [mumbling] Moe… Moe… Moe…
Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?
Bart: Okay, but you promised me mo’ money.
Marge: I mo, I mo.
Homer: [mumbling] Moe… Moe… Moe…
Lisa: When Bart’s done, can we mo to the moe-vies? There’s a moe-tinee.
Marge: Of course! All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe.
Bart: Moe moe moe moe moe?
Marge: Moe moe moe.
Lisa: Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe.
Bart: Moe-moe-moe moe.
Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe.

I picture Lidge curled in the fetal position in front of his locker, sobbing hysterically and screaming, “Make the bad man stop!”