Gordo mails it in

After a refreshing break from blogging to bask in the afterglow of the World Series, I return to the Cardinals blogosphere with my fingers-cut-out gloves, warming my hands over the burn barrel that is MLB’s free-agent frenzy.

You’re thrilled, I know.

The autumn GM meetings are coming to a close, and not much has come of the meetings save for a couple of low-level trades.

The real action begins with the winter meetings, held this year in Orlando, and St. Louis’ own Jeff Gordon runs down the names that could be switching teams come December in his Free-Agent Shopping Guide.

Unfortunately for Gordo, either he wrote this like three weeks ago and nobody bothered to update it before it was posted, or this was an extremely lazy, half-assed and at times incredibly stupid attempt to inform people. You know, like the way we do here at The 26th Man.

The column contains numerous factual errors and a few misspelled names, the endless trumpeting of things like pitchers’ won-loss records and hitters’ batting averages and a near-total ignorance of meaningful things like, oh, slugging and on-base percentages. You know, things that are relevant to today’s game.

It doesn’t take long for the bull to start flowing, so strap on your hip boots, folks… it runs deep:

Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP: The Red Sox reported spent $45 million just for the right to negotiate with the Japanese star. Signing may cost another $30 million over three years.

“Reported spent $45 million”? Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey. This column was posted a full day after it was reported that Matsuzaka was posted to the Red Sox for $51.1 million. I guess you didn’t bother to check your employer’s Web site regarding the Red Sox bid. You’re also delusional if you think Scott Boras will let him sign for a mere 3/$30M.

Juan Pierre, CF: He was really, really happy when the Twins exercised their option on Hunter. Pierre made the most of last season, batting .292 and swiping 58 bases for the otherwise lifeless Cubs.

Sure, he made the most of last season, if that’s what you mean by him having a below-league-average OBP and leading the league in outs (ain’t cherry-picking stats fun?). This cat had only one more base on balls than our own David Eckstein despite playing in 40 more games. And Gordo lists Pierre as a “high-end free agent.” Zuh?

Vincente Padilla, SP: He is a big, sturdy 29-year-old coming off a 15-10 season for the Phillies.

Um, Jeff? Padilla’s first name is “Vicente,” and he played for the Rangers. At least you got his record correct. So you got that going for you, which is nice.

Moises Alou, OF: Sure, he will turn 41 next season. But Alou swatted 22 homers and 25 homers in 345 at bats last season while hitting .301. We don’t want to tell Walt Jocketty how to run his team, but he would be a perfect semi-regular for the Cardinals in left field.

Alou swatted 22 homers and 25 homers last season, eh? That’s the quietest 47-homer campaign in history then. The Alou blurb began a run of subtle homer references, which continued with…

Luis Gonzalez, OF: From his perch in the FOX broadcast booth, Gonzalez campaigned for a Cardinals gig next season. He hit 52 doubles last season, along with 15 homers, and he would offer a significant defensive upgrade over Chris Duncan. He saw the success Larry Walker had in St. Louis at the end of his career and that appeals to him.

I’ll concede that Gonzo would probably have fewer adventures in fielding fly balls, but as a wise man once said, “If ya ain’t got the hose, the water just won’t come out.” And if by the “success Larry Walker had” Gordo means the 60 games Walker missed in 2005, the Cardinals could probably do without that kind of success.

David Dellucci, OF: He followed a 29-homer season in Texas with a .292 season in Philadelphia…

Nothing like trying to make your case with apples and oranges.

Gil Meche, SP: During his last four Mariners seasons, he won 44 games and started 106 games. He got that ERA down to 4.48 last season, so he set himself up pretty well.

Obviously, Gordo doesn’t read Viva El Birdos.

Greg Counsell, SS: It too much to ask him to play every day, but he can still fill in for prolonged periods and provide some spark.

Greg Counsell? Awesome.

Ronnie Belliard, 2B: We headed back to Cleveland, where, apparently, he has a LOT of favorite restaurants.

We headed back to Cleveland? I had no idea that Gordo and tha Gangsta of Glove were pals. I’m thinking he meant “Was headed back…” And way to slip a fat joke in there, Gordo. Pure class.

I haven’t even mentioned the many other instances of him trumpeting the fact that such-and-such pitcher had “back-to-back 12-win campaigns” or said batter “hit .301 at age 39. Do people still care about pitchers’ wins? Do people see a .300 batting average and still shit themselves with glee?

If it seems I’m picking on ol’ Jeff Gordon, well… I am. There’s really no excuse for him to turn in a piece so riddled with errors and inaccuracies. He put not only his name on it, but that of his main employer to say nothing of the fine folks at FoxSports.com. It just reflects poorly on everyone involved.