Dying to get one

Most of the Google Alerts I receive about the Cardinals I delete immediately, because they usually link to stuff I’ve already read about or are history lessons on the football Cardinals.

But one I received the other day I just had to click through:

Company to Launch Major League Baseball Licensed Urns

Wow. MLB-licensed ashcans for cremated remains? That is unspeakably awesome. But which teams will manufacturer Eternal Image offer?

EI will roll out the product line in three waves. The first group of urns will include the reigning World Series Champions, St. Louis Cardinals, as well as the Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Detroit Tigers, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies.

Heh. “The reigning World Series champions.” Those words still make me giggle. OK, great… they have Cardinals urns. So how much?

The urns will have a suggested retail price of $699.

Good lord… 700 bucks? That’s a bit steep for something likely to be a bit too tacky for permanent display. I can only imagine the exchange between a funeral director and the bereaved:

(Funeral Director hands Bereaved 1 the bill of sale for loved one’s death tab. Bereaved 1 puts on reading glasses to get a better look.)

BEREAVED 1: (clears throat) What’s this?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: That is for the official MLB-licensed urn. We must transmit the remains to you in a receptacle.
BEREAVED 1: (pointing) This is 700 dollars.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It is our most modestly priced official MLB-licensed receptacle.
BEREAVED 2: Can’t we just rent it from you, man?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house.
BEREAVED 1: Just because we’re bereaved, it doesn’t make us saps! (pounds desk)
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Sir, please lower your voice.
BEREAVED 2: Don’t you have anything else we can put him in, man? You know?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It is our most modestly priced official MLB-licensed receptacle
BEREAVED 1: (yelling) God damnit! (pausing and asking calmly) Is there a Ralph’s around here?

Or something like that. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of the receptacles yet.

There’s just one thing, Dude…

Do you have to use so many cuss words?

(hat tip: Paper Boy) 

Holy shit

Man walks on fucking moon.

(Hat tip: Ricochet) 

A plea to all Deadspin readers

Please, please, PLEASE! I implore you all to vote for Super Trampoline Basketball’s induction into the Deadspin Hall of Fame.

If you missed it the first time, here’s the setup: Kids+trampoline+basketball=the greatest and best thing ever.

Just visit the site, play the video and vote. If you don’t find 12-year-olds bellowing in pain funny, then vote no. But if you aren’t a total dork, then vote yes. Super Trampoline Basketball needs 75 percent “yes” to gain induction.

If you don’t vote, then you hate freedom.

Bonnie Bernstein enjoys the rap music

I missed most of Sunday’s tilt on ESPN, but I did watch enough to catch this little tidbit.

In the top of the seventh, Juan Pierre led off a single. Johnny Miller then sent the mic to sideline reporter (in baseball, would that be “foul line reporter”?) Bonnie Bernstein, who noted that Jay-Z is somewhat of a fan of Pierre. Who knew, right?

Well, Bon-Bon said that Hova marveled at the way Pierre ran the bases for the Marlins during the 2003 World Series against the Yankees.

Jay enjoyed it so much that he gave a shout-out (as the kids say) to Pierre in “Deja Vu,” his recent joint with Beyonce. Bernstein then quoted the opening couplet verbatim:

“I used to run base like Juan Pierre
Now I run bass, hi-hat and the snare”

I’m pretty sure that when he says “run base,” he’s not talking about baseball.

New board game

Apparently, facts are Scottish.

Free cat

(hat tip: Ryan at TRMMFB)

Hear, hear

“In the Bleachers” artist Steve Moore could have added the designated hitter to that sign, but it’s still pretty good as it is.

Windy night at Busch

Courtesy of Deadspin.

Fun with music

The always-informative Wikipedia has a list of baseball players’ entrance music (hat tip: “Rick” O’Shea). Everyone knows Scott Rolen’s music. I wish he’d change that. Limp Bizkit sucks. Anyway, I did not know that, according to Wiki, David Eckstein entered to “Number One Spot” by Ludacris and “Busy Child” by the Chemical Brothers.

I didn’t see any other Cardinals on that list, so I got the idea to scroll through my iPod to see which songs might be appropriate for other Cardinals, in alphabetical order:

• Larry Bigbie- “On the DL,” the Pharcyde. This could work for several guys.
• Bill DeWitt- “Bitch, I’m Broke,” Cody Chesnutt.
• Chris Duncan- “Daddy’s Baby,” Cody Chesnutt.
• John Gall- “Bit Part,” the Lemonheads
• Jason Isringhausen- “Heart Attack Man,” Beastie Boys; “Aneurysm,” Nirvana; “It’s Gettin’ Hectic,” Gang Starr f/BNH, etc. You get the idea.
• Jason Marquis- “Is it Luck?” Primus
• Yadier Molina- “Been Caught Stealing,” Jane’s Addiction
• Sidney Ponson- “Alcoholiday,” Teenage Fanclub; “Big Fat Fuck,” Ween. OK… those were cheap shots. Sorry, Sid; I kid because I love. How about this one: “No. 13 Baby,” the Pixies.
• Albert Pujols- Before: “Jacking the Ball,” Sea and Cake. After: “Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd.
• Anthony Reyes- “Memphis Exorcism,” Squirrel Nut Zippers
• Ricardo Rincon- “Less Than Useful,” Ned’s Atomic Dustbin

I also found songs that might be good for players on other teams:

• Bronson Arroyo- “Cut Your Hair,” Pavement
• Michael Barrett- “Asswhippin’,” Fishbone
• Milton Bradley- “Misdirected Hostility,” 311
• Jason Grimsley- “Medicine Man, ” NIL8
• Ray King- “It’s a Shame About Ray,” the Lemonheads
• Adam LaRoche- “Pay Attention,” Dilated Peoples
• Matt Morris- “Organic Greenery,” Jimmy Smith
• Scott Sauerbeck- “All Apologies,” Nirvana
• Kansas City Royals- “Couldn’t Get Ahead,” the Fall
• Chicago Cubs- “Seasons in the Abyss,” Slayer

Feel free to suggest more.