Don’t know how long I can go with this, but I will attempt to fill the space with numerous witty observations about Game 3. Here goes:
Top 1: A rickety start ends well. The Padres have second and third with no out, and the inning ends with a 1-3, a 3-2 and a Yadier Molina pickoff of Mike Piazza. Direct quote from me: “Got him! YEAH!”
Bottom 1: Chris Duncan, first-pitch swinging after David Eckstein’s leadoff single, gets lucky because his grounder gets called foul. A sure double-play was erased. Thanks, ump! Duncan proceeds to whiff on some 89 mph “cheese.” Albert Pujols smokes a ball to right, only right at Brian Giles. Eckstein steals second during Jim Edmonds’ at-bat. Joe Morgan says pitcher Chris Young is slow to the plate. Johnny Miller says runners have stolen 41 bases off of Young this year, most in the majors. Morgan says, “I don’t need a statistic to tell me that Young is slow to the plate.” Classic Morganism. Rolen chases a high slider for out No. 3.
Top 2: Morgan and Miller are now deconstructing Piazza’s nap and subsequent out in the first inning. Adrian Gonzalez whiffs on a change in the dirt. Sweet. Camera showed Giles in the dugout, and the guy next to him began picking his nose. Camera then pans down. Mike Cameron rips one into left, and Chris Duncan takes a terrible angle. Dude’s looking bad out there so far. Russ Branyan lifts a fly to left, and Edmonds calls off Duncan. Probably a good idea. Morgan says he was a pretty good football player back in the day. He is a superb human being, apparently. Morgan’s nickname should be “Donuts,” because there is nothing he can’t do. Geoff Blum gets intentionally walked to get to the 8-foot, 12-inch Chris Young, who whiffs. Nice.
Bottom 2: The Cards go down in order in an eight-pitch inning. Eep.
Top 3: There’s nothing like the playoffs to magnify announcers’ flair for the the melodramatic. Miller just called the Padres’ first inning “devastating.” Relax, dude. It was just the first inning. Crap. Suppan just dropped the flip from Pujols. There’s the first mention of Roberts’ stolen base in the 2004 ALCS. Suppan atones for his earlier biff by starting a 1-6-3 double play. Shallow fly to center ends the inning. Edmonds was charging hard, and that scares me. Bum toe, you know.
Bottom 3: Jesus, just let it go, guys. Morgan and Miller are still harping on the top of the first. Morgan trots out his old “productive out” chestnut. Eckstein and Duncan both rip the ball, but both are tracked down.
Top 4: Ronnie Belliard made a good play on Piazza, but the Gangsta of Glove couldn’t quite catch up with Adrian Gonzalez’s grounder in the hole. Wow, the ESPN2 crawl just showed that Alex Rodriguez is in the No. 8 hole for the Yankees. How far the mighty have fallen. I think that guy’s sanity is hanging by a gossamer thread. The announcers let their human sides show with their mini-eulogies of Buck O’Neil, who passed away late Friday night. Oof. Branyan just tripled with two on. Geoff Blum’s fly to right playes. Juan Encarnacion catches it high and can’t get a good throw. 3-0 bad guys.
Bottom 4: I really hate seeing Pujols leading off an inning, especially with Edmonds (sprained cerebellum) and Rolen, who has about as much power right now as a C battery, hitting behind him. Great pitch by Young gets Al on an unchecked swing. Edmonds whiffs on three pitches. Rolen whiffs on a 90 mph fastball. With a three-run lead, Young looks like he’s really settling in. He’s struck out seven in four innings.
Top 5: Man, Dave Roberts is stroking. He’s on base again with his third base hit. Josh Hancock is now warming up. Yikes, Molina sailed a throw to second to try to get Roberts stealing. I don’t like how this inning is setting up. Suppan is hittable today, and now it’s man on third with nobody out. Well, Walker just grounded to second, and Roberts stays. There’s one. Giles walks, and that’s going to be it for Suppan. Here comes Hancock. He’ll get Piazza with one out and runners and first and third. The ESPN graphic showed Hancock as appearing in 25 games this season. Don’t think that’s correct. Nope, not even close. Ha-ha, ESPN; you effed up. Awesome, Piazza goes down swinging. Two 0-2 breaking balls in the dirt to Gonzalez; Molina’s doing a great job blocking those. OK, you’ve wasted a couple; now get this guy out! Morgan just called Red Schoendienst the Yogi Berra of the Cardinals organization. Um, OK. Does that mean the inverse is true? Gonzalez finesses a walk in a quality at-bat. Bases loaded now for Mike Cameron. Man, the plate ump is squeezing Hancock. Two good back-door sliders are called balls. No biggie, though, as Cameron grounds to Rolen to end the inning. Just before that, the camera switched to the stands, showing a couple of dudes rocking cow bells. Good old Cardinals fans… always respectful of history.
Bottom 5: Gangsta of Glove bloops a one-out single to right. Let’s get retarded, boys. Randy Flores shown warming up in the pen, which means Tony La Russa prefers Tyler Johnson in higher-leverages situations. Who’da thunk? Belliard takes off, and Miller calls the hole on the right side a “yawning chasm.” Dude, shut it. And there’s the inevitable Molina GIDP.
The first commerical in the break is one for Springfield Racquet and Fitness Center. The jingle is sung to the tune of “I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow and features the refrain “Esss-Are-Eff-Cee.” Horrible. Just horrible.
Top 6: Unintentional irony alert: Morgan and Miller are riffing on baseball cliches. They’ve referenced the “one game at a time” and “pants on one leg at a time” chestnuts. Those two are giving 110 percent during this broadcast. Another awkward misplay by Duncan gives Blum a gift double. Roberts walks to get on base for the fourth time. Can we get this guy on our team for next year? Todd Walker, Jim Edmonds’ doppelganger, grounds out to end the inning.
Bottom 6: Aaron Miles is batting in the pitcher’s spot. Pretend Chris Young has a gun. Or don’t. One out. Whitey McScrapsalot gets a base hit. OK, big fellas; let’s do some damage. Good gravy… Chris Duncan on a full count makes me nervous. Aaannnnnd release. Duncan walks. Let’s see how Bruce Bochy handles this. Here’s a replay of Al’s homer on Sept. 27 off Cla Meredith. Good omen? High strike. Al agreed. Foo; off the knob for strike two. Morgan just dusted off his “slidepiece” phrase. Arrrrgh, Al just got himself out, swinging and missing at a pitch out of the zone. Edmonds flies out to the base of the wall to end the inning.
Top 7: Randy Flores in to face Giles and induces a grounder. We’re going to have to hold our collective breath for Piazza’s at-bat; Flores’ OPS against righties in 2006 is .977. And Piazza rips a double; why wasn’t he just walked? The lefty Gonzalez walks, and Morgan just said “… to whom he wanted to.” This copy editor’s blood boils. Braden Looper in to face Cameron, who rips one right to Duncan, who makes the out look extremely difficult. Khalil Greene grounds out to end the threat. Nice job, Loops.
Bottom 7: Just saw a guy in the stands wearing a suit and tie and red Cardinals cap. Dude, why on Earth are you dressed up on a Saturday afternoon? Is this 1922 or do you have a wedding afterward? Morgan just said “You can’t hit a three-run homer leading off the inning.” Can you please stop with the cliches? That shit wasn’t funny the first time. Rolen fouls out behind home plate. That guy is all but toothless anymore. Instant Breakfast just looked at strike three. You can’t do that, my friend. Erin Andrews also just butchered the pronunciation of “Encarnacion.” Attractive, but stupid. Belliard doubles, and here comes Scott Spiezio, who was invaluable for the Cardinals down the stretch. Young’s day is done, and in comes lefty Alan Embree. Good but ultimately futile at-bat for Spiezio.
Top 8: Sno Cones in to replace Molina. Maybe he can conjure up some of his magic from a month ago. Man, Duncan is just brutal in left today. Rob Bowen gets a gift single from him. No matter, as Roberts is finally retired and Walker continues his sucking to end the inning.
Bottom 8: This is going to be our last, best chance to score. Make it so. Ha, I said “make it so,” and look who is pitch hitting: So Taguchi. I kick ass. SO MOTHERFUCKING TAGUCHI!!!!!!!!!! Apologize for the French, but our man just went deep. As maddenginly inconsistent as he’s been this year, that dinger was mad clutch. Duncan finesses a walk. Holy crap, here we go. Come on, Al. Damn, it’s 2001 all over again: GIDP to end the inning. Doesn’t look good today.
Top 9: This is going to be a huge inning for T.J.: Giles, pitcher’s spot and Gonzalez. And he whiffs Giles again; Josh Barfield pinch-hits for Linebrink. A four-pitch walk to Barfield hopefully will set up a Padres’ turn for a double-play. No such luck; Gonzalez singles up the middle. In comes Brad Thompson; let’s get that groundball. Pegboy walks Cameron after getting squeezed on a couple of pitches. Bases loaded now for Greene, who eventually strikes out. Camera switches to crowd celebrating, and we see and Awkward White-Guy High-Five™. Blum flies out to end the inning, and I have to leave for work in a few minutes. Crap.
Bottom 9: An uneventful 1-2-3 inning for the great Trevor Hoffman. Ballgame. Oh, well. Let’s get them tomorrow.
but mostly buying) trading cards, especially those in the 2002 Bowman Heritage and 2003 Topps Heritage baseball sets. There’s just something about those old card designs that intrigues me, so much so that when I do buy cards, it’s almost always a pack of Bowman or Topps Heritage.
