Oh, the humanity!

Getting beaten by the hated Cubs is bad enough. To get shut out is even worse.

But to be on the business end of seven scoreless innings from He Who Shall Not Be Named is the ultimate indignity.

Ironically enough, it appeared that HWSNBN was up to his old tricks by plunking Albert Pujols and allowing a Scott Rolen base hit to set up a big first inning, the bane of his existence last year.

But he managed to get a painfully slow-footed Jim Edmonds to ground out. From then on, he was more or less the same pitcher he was with St. Louis, allowing at least one baserunner in four of his next six innings. The Cardinals flaccid offense just couldn’t string enough hits together, going 0-for-7 with runners in scoring position Saturday. And Chris Duncan continued his overanxious futility with the bases loaded by striking out in the fourth inning.

Pujols wasn’t all that impressed facing HWSNBN, though:

He got in trouble like normally, you know, he always gets in trouble, and finds a lucky pitch to make to get out of trouble, you know.

Surly and Dismissive Albert is the Albert we knew and loved last year. He also was a ball-destroying machine last year. Maybe that’s all it will take for Albert to break out: start being a dick to the press again.

Also interesting is that our own Anthony Reyes seems to have inherited the HWSNBN mantle of digging a hole early before settling in. And Reyes didn’t actually pitch badly; he made the one bad pitch to Michael Barrett, and it was all over before the first inning was in the books.

As soon as he let that pitch go, I said, “Aw, man.” Gary Bennett had set up down and in, and Reyes missed up and over the plate. Barrett, to his credit, didn’t miss. That mistake ruined an otherwise good outing: seven hits (six minus the Barrett HR), no walks and five strikeouts in six innings.

Siiiighhhh… I’m still optimistic for the rubber game. It is Ten-Run Sunday, after all.

One more thing… I’ve extended another invitation to Paper Boy to chime in from the dark side of The Rivalry. Be gentle, my friend.

Kevin’s not too happy, either. (The Red Crush)

Astros ignore Jimmy Dugan’s advice

Instead of avoiding it, as the manager of the Rockford Peaches urged, Astros minor leaguers will be dealing with the Clapp this season.

I’m talking about Stubby Clapp, of course, who is the new hitting coach for Houston’s rookie league team in Greeneville, Tenn.

You remember Stubby, don’t you? He captured the heart of Cardinal Nation with his Hustle, Grit and Scrappiness. He was Bo Hart before Bo Hart was Bo Hart.

Baseball Prospectus has complex formulae such as Speed and Stuff; certainly they can come up with one called Scrap.

Ronnie Belliard? Seriously?

Remember a couple of weeks ago when it was reported that a St. Louis professional athlete was the target of an extortion attempt?

Turns out the athlete in question is Ronnie Belliard.

*cough*

It’s your classic boy-meets-girl, boy-diddles-girl, girl-cries-prego, boy-pays-for-paternity-test, girl-allegedly-miscarries, dad-says-give-us-the-money-anyway kind of story. Happens all the time.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie… I guess no one ever told you to stay away from the meth-mouthed skanks from the tiny Metro East towns. That’s not any kind of pudding you want to stick your dick into.

Anyway, good luck ’splaining this one to Mrs. Belliard.

UPDATE 2:02 A.M. 02-04-07: Apparently, Bellyscratcher knew this like a week ago.

Matheny hangs it up

After 13 seasons and a nasty concussion, Giants catcher and old friend Mike Matheny is retiring:

(Matheny) didn’t play again for the San Francisco Giants after May 31 following a series of foul tips he took in the mask — and doctors warned him that he was more susceptible to even further damage if he received another blow.

“This is not a shoulder, a knee or an elbow. We’re talking about the brain. … I didn’t expect this. I don’t think anybody did.”

Giants teammate and old friend Matt Morris says he’ll miss Matheny:

“As my catcher and as a person he just meant so much to me. On the field he taught me how to be a professional. Off the field he taught me to be a man and a respectful person. He’s going to be sorely missed by everybody.”

My friend Julie is going to take this especially hard. She is the self-proclaimed World’s Biggest Mike Matheny Fan, bordering on pathological. She even had a Matheny 22 jersey.

Mike Matheny (Baseball Reference)

New York. New York?

I suppose we Cardinals fans shouldn’t be worried about having the shakiest starting rotation.

Sidney Ponson, the man who kept Anthony Reyes in Memphis for half the season, is reportedly going to sign with the Yankees on Friday.

Good luck, Sid; you’re someone else’s problem. No pressure in NYC, either.

In memoriam: Darryl Kile 1968-2002

Man. What a rough week that was four years ago.

About a month ago, a woman named Allison Wollam shared her memories of D.K. with CardNilly. It’s a wonderful story; I’m sure there are a million others just like it. Darryl Kile seemed to be an extraordinary human being, one who touched a lot of people’s lives for the better. We should all strive to be remembered that fondly.

My personal tribute to D.K. is my softball hat. My six-year-old, filthy, dusty, sweat-stained Cardinals hat I play softball in. It never fails that at least once every season, a guy on a team we’re playing compliments my hat.

(logo courtesy Chris Creamer’s Sports Logos Page) 

In memoriam: Jack Buck 1924-2002

“Smith corks one into right down the line! It may go! … Go crazy, folks, Go crazy! It’s a home run! And the Cardinals have won the game … by the score of 3 to 2 … on a home run … by the Wizard! Go crazy!”

I get chills merely reading that quote.

Other, more competent bloggers will pay tribute to Mr. Buck far better than I could possibly dream of. I’m just doing my part here to remember a man with whom I grew up.

I was 27 years old when Mr. Buck died. When I got to work that afternoon, the office was busy… but quiet. That’s what I remember from that day, the stillness. People went quietly about their work, as if stopping would cause them to really think about what was lost.

A few days later, a colleague was pictured on the front page of The Post weeping at Mr. Buck’s memorial service at The Stadium.

The last memory I have of Mr. Buck is of Sept. 17, 2001, the first night that baseball resumed after 9/11. I was in awe, not only from his words, but by the sheer force of his will and determination to be out there doing what he could to help heal a nation.

John Francis Buck, Cardinal Nation misses you and will never forget you.

(logo courtesy Chris Creamer’s Sports Logos Page)

Marq it 8.1, Dude

Jason Marquis’ performance Tuesday lent even more credence to the theory that he needs about 20-25 pitches under his belt to settle down.

His first inning Tuesday went as such: 2B, L9, 3B, 1B, K, F8, with a coupla runs scored. That was followed by three perfect innings. The homer he gave up in the fifth wasn’t that bad of a pitch; just a curveball on the hands that Randy Winn turned around. It was more a fine piece of hitting than it was a bad pitch. Then three more perfect frames, followed by a ninth inning that started to get away from him a bit.

For whatever reason, Marquis really does seem to settle in once he’s past a certain amount of pitches. The obvious solution: Make him get those 20-25 pitches out of the way in the bullpen, before the game starts. That way, we have 18-20 outs worth of Good Jason when it counts.

Scott Rolen: With a three-hit night, Scott Rolen is in the midst of a seven-game hitting streak, going 11-25 (.440) during that time. He’s still sitting on just the one home run since his return from a bout of cholera, but I expect that to change soon. I have no science to back up that assertion other than he’s Scott Rolen and is a big, burly guy who probably beat up nerds like me when he was in high school.

Matt Morris: Good to see you again, MattyMo. It’s also good to be on the receiving end of one of your patented six-run, six-inning outings for a change. Save for his most recent start against Houston and his first two this season, he’s shown ample evidence why Walt Jocketty didn’t go hard after him. Tuesday, his deuce was looking vintage MattyMo at times, but he kept leaving other pitches up and over the plate to get smacked. Hard. Albert Pujols’ home run in the first inning reminded me why I used to call Morris “Chef Boyardee.”

Keith Hernandez, Neanderthal

So I guess former Cardinal and noted pretty boy Keith Hernandez is a broadcaster for the Mets.

Well, they were in San Diego this past weekend, and apparently ol’ Keith took umbrage with someone on the Padres’ training staff:

“Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair? What’s going on here? You have got to be kidding me.”

Now, ordinarily, I might be inclined to let something as stupid as that slide, given that he’s Keith Hernandez and sports one smooooooth mustache. But he hanged himself with his next comment:

“I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”

Dude, making women-kitchen jokes is only slightly less stupid than Marge Schott discussing pre-war Nazi Germany. Welcome to the 1990s, Keith. Chicks these days are allowed to do all sorts of things besides make you a turkey pot pie.

Tavy gets 10

The Associated Press reports that former Cardinal and current Red Sock Julian Tavarez will have the next 10 days off for his little incident with Tampa’s Joey Gathright.

Gathright says Tavy hits like a girl.